Day 6: Everytime I get angry I...

Take a deep breath... or at least try to ;) !

It was Themed post day again yesterday (Dec 5), and though I missed it as I was hardly at home I had these thoughts bouncing around in my head all day.. let's see if I can make sense out of it all ...

Anger is something I have lived with for much of my life.. recognizing quite early that I was what is called "short-tempered". Though I also learnt early on how to put a lid on it for most purposes, I could never ever master it and it manifested in different ways including quite a tempestuous teenage. I think it always happens that it is those you are closest with that you display your anger on, at least this is how it has always been in my case. This is probably because I know the strength of the relationship I have with this person, and some outbursts along the way are always going to be worked out later.

Once I had kids, I found though that it was just too easy to blow that occasional fuse when they tried my patience. I have questioned myself (A LOT) as to why this was the case, when most adults who know me would probably term me to be quite even-tempered. Maybe it is to do with the strong bond or the fact they NEVER hold it against you and are so loving and affectionate within a few minutes of being scolded, but whatever it was I did not like feeling that way and really needed to change something.

Around this time I came across the Orange Rhino website, which I have mentioned earlier on this blog as I actually took up the challenge mentioned there of going without yelling for a week (to begin with). Yelling of course is subjective and you can choose the index you consider normal, which made sense to me because I believe kids do need to be taught about right and wrong and correcting or disciplining in some situations doesn't constitute being out of control. To me, being out of control was not just a mental feeling but physical as well - feeling breathless, having palpitations, mouth going dry - this level was what I most wanted to avoid. But no, I fell by the wayside within 3 days and wondered if I would ever get there. Since then, I have consciously begun my own version of the challenge, which means trying to control outbursts but also introspecting a lot more when they do happen. I recognize that it is mostly a result of my impatience or expectation, and definitely hardly ever 100% to do with the kids. For example, most morning outbursts can be controlled simply by waking up half an hour earlier and having extra breathing space, but I am oh so NOT a morning person :P.

A friend who was introduced to the Orange Rhino through my  FB timeline took up the challenge around the same time and did a much better job at it ;). You can read her posts here - I found these very introspective and useful too and especially loved the candidness with which she described her thoughts and behaviour.

I would say I am probably 50-60% of the way, and personally I have found humour to work the best in a situation that threatens to become explosive - I cool down trying to find funny words, the kids laugh and calm down and sometimes forget what they were being stubborn about, and of course are most relieved that I have cooled down ;). Leading to exclamations from D "Amma, you are so funny when you are angry!"

About dealing with adults who try my patience, I find that as I grow older, many things don't feel as important as they did to a younger me, and not worth getting angry about :). I have also learnt to back down and out of battles when I feel the familiar anger rising during an interaction, especially when I know that convincing the other person of my point of view is not worth it. This approach, for example, has made me a much more peaceful driver on Bengaluru roads ;).

Anger and Parenting...

A short temper is something I've struggled with a lot, especially after becoming a parent. It happens so often that just when I feel like I'm getting better and have a handle on things, I start flying off so often on the kids, and then regretting it in 2 minutes :(. Yes, it might be the summer holiday effect I guess.

But I saw something today, that brought my own shortcomings to the fore but also weirdly made me feel just a bit better about myself. It was at the class that my kids go to 3 days a week (yes I'm being a bit vague on purpose). I suddenly heard this gentleman, one of the parents, really raise his voice in anger against one of the older boys who had apparently corrected his daughter on something. From what my kids tell me later, I don't think the boy was particularly picking on the girl or being extra rough with her. It may have been the culmination of other incidents along the way, which all built up today - I don't really know. But whatever the case, it does not justify displaying your anger in public, and even more when it's on someone else's child! That boy was definitely quite scared, until the discussion was taken over to the teachers, and even then the raised voice of that parent was maintained for a few minutes more with all of us on the road and many metres away being able to hear "How dare he behave like that to my daugher?".

As a fellow parent, I would like to justify this over-protectiveness at least a little bit, but unfortunately my churning stomach at witnessing the incident wouldn't let me do this. And this is coming from someone who has no trouble telling off other kids if they are in the way of my child's safety. But I dare say, I prefer to do it more gently and if that does not work, I would just remove my child from the scene. I don't think he did his child any favours too, as now everyone is just going to be on tenterhooks around her, which cannot be a great feeling.

I wondered how I would react if my child was on the receiving end of something like this parents' tirade. First, I hope he or she is strong enough to take it without erupting into tears, of which the boy in mention did an admirable job. Next, how much ever I would love to go and confront this father and tell him what I thought of him, I hope that I would be able to hold back enough to just talk to the teachers about it and entrust them the responsibility of calming the waters.